Recurring Dream Theme

Last night I dreamt that Ben and I were unmarried but living together (in a non-sexual sense) and I was caring for his children and he kept telling me not to get attached to him because it was only temporary. Well, the time came for him to leave and I kept telling him, "I know you said not to get attached but I am. Please don't leave.  We could get married and stay together." And he kept telling me, "I was worried this would happen.  I told you not to get attached." And then he left.

Sad.

Another common dream I have is that I am married to some random person (the person changes depending on the dream) and I meet Ben and have feelings for him but we're both committed to other people and can't be together.  Usually there is a long, complicated debate about wanting to leave my spouse for Ben but there are children involved and I feel it's immoral and unethical.  So, I spend the dream secretly in love with Ben and trapped with a person I have zero feelings for.

Sometimes I wake up from those dreams crying.  Then I spend the next 24 - 28 hours feeling sappy and lovesick.

And then there's the dream that Ben and I are both single and back at college and I'm desperately in love with him but he doesn't like me.  I spend the whole dream trying to convince him I'm his future wife and he spends the whole dream rejecting me.  So depressing!

I've spent the day analyzing myself and here's what I've come up with:

• I think my problem is that I yearn for Ben even in my reality but I'm unable to be with him as much as I would like.  He is still having to work long hours and we really don't get to see each other much.
• Or I'm insecure and think he's going to leave me for another woman.  I don't think that's the case.  But, maybe?  
• Perhaps I think he's going to die and leave me that way.  
• Possibly I'm being reminded by some higher power of how lucky I am to be with him though having to experience the pain of being without him. 

Whatever it is - I wish my subconscious would be a little more secure and have happier thoughts during the few hours I spend in dreamland.


I do love him ever so much.  And I'm pretty sure he's fond of me, too.