Anyways, this year just had one bad chunk of time and the rest wasn't so awful.
We went to a community celebration the Saturday before. They had an Easter egg hunt, bounce houses, egg dying, and food....
Then on Easter eve Sarah, Ethan, and Charlie joined us for an Easter lesson and egg coloring. It was a little chaotic and messy, but the kids enjoyed themselves. Six eggs were either dropped, squeezed, or crushed in the process of it all. Oh well...
Ben jumped on the trampoline with the kids after our egg art session....
Then we headed to bed and that night the Easter bunny came....
The next morning the kids woke up, checked out the suprises, went on an Easter egg hunt, ate Hootenanny for breakfast, and then we quick got ready for church....
Now this is when it starts turning bad....
Ben took the older two to church early so I could nurse McKay in quietness. Well, that was a bad idea. Ben was sitting with the kids when I walked up, and they were already crying, "Want Daddy, want daddy." So, he walked away and started conducting the meeting and the kids just got louder and louder and louder. So, I got up to walk out. Try to picture this: Sadie crying clinging to me and pulling my skirt off, Jax SCREAMING in the aisle for Ben, me trying to drag him, keep my skirt up, and hold McKay and everyong staring at this massive breakdown. Several people tried to help but Jax just screamed all the louder! Finally, I realized I couldn't get all three out because the older two weren't following me - they were in the aisle staring at Ben and SCREAMING for him. So I took Sadie and McKay out and set them down and then came back in for Jax. So, I got him out in the foyer and like 6 people came out to help me and they were still SCREAMING and CRYING and then I started crying and McKay started crying because someone had picked him up and he only wants me or Ben. So, I couldn't get the kids to calm down so I took them (with help) all crying down to the primary room to play with toys. Jax was still SCREAMING "Want Daddy!". I mean he was hysterically screaming it over and over again. Couldn't even catch his breath. Practically pass out/throw up crying. I'm stressing out just thinking about it. I'm not much of a crier but when I start I have a hard time stopping. So, I'm still crying and more people are checking in to see who was dying or injured which was very nice of them but I was embarrassed and really just wanted to hide under a rock. So, after 15 or 20 minutes I finally got them settled down, but by then McKay needed a nap. So I took the kids outside to get his stroller out of the car. Well, on our way out a friend whom I have offended and is upset with me gave me the cold shoulder and refused to talk to me so then I started crying again about that. So, Jax started crying again, too. AHH! I'm angry just thinking about it all. So, I decided we were just going home because I knew I wasn't going to be able to keep the kids happy and stop crying. One problem....Ben had the keys. So, I asked someone to go ask him for the keys. So this person went up on the stand and asked him for the keys. Well, instead of just giving her the keys, he came out to check on me along with several other people. By then I had been shunned by this friend again when I walked up to give her something and I then I started crying AGAIN. So, anyways, I went home and cried my eyes out more. Oh, and Jax and McKay cried the whole drive home. Sadie was perfectly content by this point and shouted over her screaming brothers, "I sure had fun crying at church today." All I could say was, "Oh good Sadie." When we got home I had to get Jax down for a nap (who was still crying for Ben). McKay cried the whole 20 minutes while I was in putting Jax down. The boys took short, non-overlapping naps - so I couldn't make the food for the evening get together. So, finally Ben got home from church very late. And I still needed to make the food for Easter dinner and I couldn't with the kids underfoot, and then I got upset with him because I've been asking him for the last year to ask the Stake Presidency if he can get an exception and sit with us during Sacrament meeting but he won't and I was upset he left me with two screaming children and couldn't he have at least helped me get the kids out the door before he walked off and left us, and I'm upset that our kids hate church and no longer know how to be reverent during church and it's just not possible for me to do it alone and lots of people want to help but the kids don't want them so we just end up spending the whole hour in the primary room every Sunday and I'm worried we're ruining their spirituality and eternal well being and I was upset because Sadie was suppose to give her first ever talk that morning but she didn't get to and I left church on Easter Sunday and..... yada yada yada. I'm just tired of feeling stuck between the guilt of being an unsupportive wife and the guilt of being an insufficient parent. So, obviously, that made me start crying again. I really hate crying! Ben was perfectly apologetic and said he felt awful and there were a lot of things he would have done differently. And really all the tears were about these issues that have been plaguing us for the last year because it's just not possible for me to handle three small children by myself, and I feel like a failure and I feel like I'm failing my kids and I'm so frustrated by it all. Anyways, needless to say my eyes were red and puffy. I really didn't want to go to Easter dinner late and with a red face. But, we went anyways and we actually have a wonderful evening.
The end.
Oh and P.S. Ben told me after church that Bishop announced in Sacrament meeting that the Stake Presidency is coming to reorganize the Bishopric next week. (Bishop has been in there over five years.) I'm sure I should feel happy or relieved or something - I don't. I just feed dead to the whole situation. I'm sure this was some test or I was suppose to learn something. Whatever it was - I don't think I passed and I'm not sure I've learned whatever it was I was supposed to. I just want to have good kids and I'm struggling to do it alone. I look forward to getting them back on track.
The end again.
5 comments:
Oh, Alicia, I so hear ya! Bryce is in the bishopric and Sundays have turned into my hardest days. We have Sacrament meeting at 2:30 and it's the last meeting in our block. And it's killing me. By that point, my 3 year old really does not feel like sitting still for an hour and my baby is past due for a nap and has no intention of sitting happily on my nap. The 5 year-old is fine, at least. Sometimes I look around and think, "Couldn't one of you lovely single sisters or couples without kids sit by us? Please?" I just need someone sitting there so that if I need to take the baby out, I don't have to take everyone out. Because at that point, honestly, it's just too tempting to go home. But on the other hand, if I was single or without kids, I'd probably want to enjoy and listen to my sacrament meeting sans kids, too. The bishop's wife, who has three kids about the same age as mine, has a single sister who has volunteered to sit with her every week. And sometimes, as awful as it is, I'm so jealous. I think I've made it through like 2 sacrament meetings ths year. Sundays seem to be my grumpiest days, too. And I feel awful about it all. So, know that you're not alone, my friend. Sometimes it's enough to know you tried. I love you and miss you and wish to see you again soon!
Dear Alicia-
You have to know that you are like my favorite person ever- I love to read your blog because you are so honest about the motherhood struggles that we all go through. Unfortunately, too many of us try so hard to make our lives look perfect (I am guilty of this), and it doesn't do ANYONE any favors- I think it just makes other people discouraged. I have dealt with every struggle that you mentioned- from problems at church to kids acting difficult out in public to trying really hard to support my husband in his calling.
I truly think you are doing an amazing job as a mother, and so appreciate your honesty. I love this quote by Dieter F. Uchtdorf: God is fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not. I am pretty sure, though, that you are pretty close to perfect. Thank you for posting- posts like these encourage me so much more that any "perfect life" post I see on other blogs. It really does help to know that I'm not the only one struggling.
I'm so sorry to hear your day was hard in so many ways. It's days like those you just want to hide under your covers.
Don't feel down on yourself. You are doing the best you can and that is really what counts. I'm happy to hear Ben will be released from his calling so he can be there to help out during church. I know many times I felt like we were at church together, but not really "together" because of Bret's calling. Since we moved into our new ward Bret and I teach Marissa's primary class together. We love it and it is such a blessing to our family right now when we really can't add anymore to our plate. Maybe he can ask to work in the primary when he's released :)
Remember you are loved!
Alicia, I feel for you! Church is difficult with little ones, I can't imagine doing that alone. Don't be too hard on yourself. If nothing else, you will be understanding of others who are in similar situations down the road. (That's what I tell myself when I don't see what the point of a trial!) You are doing an amazing job with your kids. I admire all that you do.
Oh, Alicia, why didn't you tell me you had such a hard day at Church Easter Sunday? I know why. Because everyone was around and you didn't want to start crying again! If anything like that ever happens again, don't worry about making food to bring to dinner! We ALL understand, have gone through it or are going through it. You are not alone, Sweetheart. If you only knew how many times I said to your dad (when you kids were little), "why do I even try to come to Church? I'm ALWAYS out in the hall with a crying baby!" But in my heart I knew it was the right thing to do, the right place to be, that children don't learn to be reverent by sitting at home. Dad was never around much to help,because he was always serving somewhere like Ben, but we've been blessed with such wonderful husbands who are always serving wherever they are asked. Hang in there, Honey. You are a GREAT mother, and Ben is a GREAT dad, and you have GREAT children!!! It'll all work out. Try to keep an eternal perspective. Hard to do sometimes, but important. Look how good you kids turned out!!!
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