Easters seem to be a hard holiday for me. I think I've cried three Easters in a row now. Next year I think we're going to skip celebrating it and just think calm, peaceful, inspiring thoughts about the Savior. That's what we should probably be doing anyways.
Anyways, this year just had one bad chunk of time and the rest wasn't so awful.
We went to a community celebration the Saturday before. They had an Easter egg hunt, bounce houses, egg dying, and food....
Then on Easter eve Sarah, Ethan, and Charlie joined us for an Easter lesson and egg coloring. It was a little chaotic and messy, but the kids enjoyed themselves. Six eggs were either dropped, squeezed, or crushed in the process of it all. Oh well...
Ben jumped on the trampoline with the kids after our egg art session....
Then we headed to bed and that night the Easter bunny came....
The next morning the kids woke up, checked out the suprises, went on an Easter egg hunt, ate Hootenanny for breakfast, and then we quick got ready for church....
Now this is when it starts turning bad....
Ben took the older two to church early so I could nurse McKay in quietness. Well, that was a bad idea. Ben was sitting with the kids when I walked up, and they were already crying, "Want Daddy, want daddy." So, he walked away and started conducting the meeting and the kids just got louder and louder and louder. So, I got up to walk out. Try to picture this: Sadie crying clinging to me and pulling my skirt off, Jax SCREAMING in the aisle for Ben, me trying to drag him, keep my skirt up, and hold McKay and everyong staring at this massive breakdown. Several people tried to help but Jax just screamed all the louder! Finally, I realized I couldn't get all three out because the older two weren't following me - they were in the aisle staring at Ben and SCREAMING for him. So I took Sadie and McKay out and set them down and then came back in for Jax. So, I got him out in the foyer and like 6 people came out to help me and they were still SCREAMING and CRYING and then I started crying and McKay started crying because someone had picked him up and he only wants me or Ben. So, I couldn't get the kids to calm down so I took them (with help) all crying down to the primary room to play with toys. Jax was still SCREAMING "Want Daddy!". I mean he was hysterically screaming it over and over again. Couldn't even catch his breath. Practically pass out/throw up crying. I'm stressing out just thinking about it. I'm not much of a crier but when I start I have a hard time stopping. So, I'm still crying and more people are checking in to see who was dying or injured which was very nice of them but I was embarrassed and really just wanted to hide under a rock. So, after 15 or 20 minutes I finally got them settled down, but by then McKay needed a nap. So I took the kids outside to get his stroller out of the car. Well, on our way out a friend whom I have offended and is upset with me gave me the cold shoulder and refused to talk to me so then I started crying again about that. So, Jax started crying again, too. AHH! I'm angry just thinking about it all. So, I decided we were just going home because I knew I wasn't going to be able to keep the kids happy and stop crying. One problem....Ben had the keys. So, I asked someone to go ask him for the keys. So this person went up on the stand and asked him for the keys. Well, instead of just giving her the keys, he came out to check on me along with several other people. By then I had been shunned by this friend again when I walked up to give her something and I then I started crying AGAIN. So, anyways, I went home and cried my eyes out more. Oh, and Jax and McKay cried the whole drive home. Sadie was perfectly content by this point and shouted over her screaming brothers, "I sure had fun crying at church today." All I could say was, "Oh good Sadie." When we got home I had to get Jax down for a nap (who was still crying for Ben). McKay cried the whole 20 minutes while I was in putting Jax down. The boys took short, non-overlapping naps - so I couldn't make the food for the evening get together. So, finally Ben got home from church very late. And I still needed to make the food for Easter dinner and I couldn't with the kids underfoot, and then I got upset with him because I've been asking him for the last year to ask the Stake Presidency if he can get an exception and sit with us during Sacrament meeting but he won't and I was upset he left me with two screaming children and couldn't he have at least helped me get the kids out the door before he walked off and left us, and I'm upset that our kids hate church and no longer know how to be reverent during church and it's just not possible for me to do it alone and lots of people want to help but the kids don't want them so we just end up spending the whole hour in the primary room every Sunday and I'm worried we're ruining their spirituality and eternal well being and I was upset because Sadie was suppose to give her first ever talk that morning but she didn't get to and I left church on Easter Sunday and..... yada yada yada. I'm just tired of feeling stuck between the guilt of being an unsupportive wife and the guilt of being an insufficient parent. So, obviously, that made me start crying again. I really hate crying! Ben was perfectly apologetic and said he felt awful and there were a lot of things he would have done differently. And really all the tears were about these issues that have been plaguing us for the last year because it's just not possible for me to handle three small children by myself, and I feel like a failure and I feel like I'm failing my kids and I'm so frustrated by it all. Anyways, needless to say my eyes were red and puffy. I really didn't want to go to Easter dinner late and with a red face. But, we went anyways and we actually have a wonderful evening.
The end.
Oh and P.S. Ben told me after church that Bishop announced in Sacrament meeting that the Stake Presidency is coming to reorganize the Bishopric next week. (Bishop has been in there over five years.) I'm sure I should feel happy or relieved or something - I don't. I just feed dead to the whole situation. I'm sure this was some test or I was suppose to learn something. Whatever it was - I don't think I passed and I'm not sure I've learned whatever it was I was supposed to. I just want to have good kids and I'm struggling to do it alone. I look forward to getting them back on track.
The end again.
